Many friends called or emailed or visited while I was awaiting yesterday's tests and that really helped me out a lot. Thankfully, everything went very smoothly and I have been given a clean bill of health. I am totally okay, and there is nothing serious wrong with me at all. I'm still waiting to get the bill in the mail, so that part of it will probably suck pretty hard, but it is a small price to pay for good health and peace of mind.
Okay, I am still very tired from the sedatives and other drugs, so that's all for now. I'll have a better update in a day or so. Thanks again to everyone who called or emailed and wished me luck.
Matt K.
This is a difficult update to write. It's not because of what I'm going to write about, it's because I'm not quite sure how to write about it. I want to write this in a way that is simple, devoid of hyperbole, and meaningful, but I've never felt very confident about my writing ability so I'm not sure if it will come out that way. With these news updates, I've never written drafts and carefully edited them into a polished piece. Instead, these are all basically first drafts, words right out of my own head. I think about things a bit before I start typing, but that's pretty much the extent of my planning.
I guess that's enough meandering. It's time to just start writing and see what comes out.
As I said, this is a difficult time for me. The issues with the enlarger and the darkroom are still not sorted out, which is creating a rather ferocious mental and physical artist's block for me. That's intensely frustrating, and it's getting in the way of a lot of things. But the most complicated thing right now is my health.
Right now, I'm not sure if it is necessary or appropriate to go into excruciatingly personal detail, so I won't. But I do want to get some of this off of my chest because in a strange way, I think that writing it out might help me a little. Fortunately, unlike far too many people whose lives are consumed by the fallacy of so-called social networking sites such as MySpace, LiveJournal, Second Life, Twitter and FlickR, this web site and the news updates I post on it are actually only tiny parts of my life. I'm under no illusions that this web site is read by or viewed by very many people at all, other than a few close friends, and I realize that posting anything in a news update is just a rather flimsy form of public online journaling. It's certainly no substitute for conversation, letters, telephone calls, or even email. So don't see this entry as some kind of grand and self-involved catharsis or ego-inflating drama where I prance about on a stage of my own making. I know that maybe somebody will read this, and that's acceptable to me.
So, no grimy details, but this is the deal. I had to visit my doctor a few days ago for something that I really thought was going to be very minor, and he surprised me by recommending some pretty involved and physically invasive tests. I was not mentally prepared to hear that. I was expecting a pretty routine visit and a pleasant drive home. Right now, I feel absolutely fine physically. Not much was wrong in the first place, but it needed looking in to. The tests are scheduled for Monday, April 21 and I should get most results that same day. There is a slight possibility that I might have to wait around a week for complete results, but the chances of that are very slim. So let's look at this in two ways.
On the one hand, there is a strong possibility that after I'm done with these tests, I'll be told that there is nothing wrong, that I'm completely healthy, and that I can go home and stop stressing out. That's certainly what I'm hoping for, and thankfully there seems to be very little reason to think otherwise. The only fly in the ointment of that outcome is that Rudy and I changed our insurance plan on January 1 of this year and now have a 20% co-pay for any medical costs, so this will take a hefty bite out of the bank account. At the time, changing insurance seemed like a great idea because neither of us had any reason to expect we would be facing anything other than a routine check-up this year, but with these tests looming it looks like I'm going to have to shell out more than either of us expected. It's a small price to pay for good health and peace of mind though, so I'm not dwelling on it much.
On the other hand, there is an extremely slight possibility that these tests might uncover something more serious, and that I might end up requiring more medical care than I thought. That would, of course, change every aspect of my life so there is little point in thinking about it right now. And honestly, although this may seem like I am foolishly trying to deceive myself and whoever might be reading this into thinking that everything is hunky-dory, I feel fine. I truly do. I have no symptoms of anything. I have no family history of illness like this. I don't smoke. I rarely drink. Aside from a few bad habits in terms of junk food and not being active enough, I am the picture of health. But obviously, I am still concerned. You always worry a bit, and when the defenses are down it's easy to imagine the worst.
So that's where things stand. I feel like I'm in something like a holding pattern right now. Creatively, I am still waiting for the missing enlarger parts, waiting to finish the darkroom, waiting to start on new creative endeavors. Mentally and physically I am simply waiting for April 21 and the completion of these tests as well as the results that will follow. I don't want to think too far ahead because I don't want any nasty surprises, but it's frustrating to sort of float about in limbo like this.
I'm not going to be updating this web site until I find out what's wrong, so please check back again on the evening of Tuesday, April 22 and I'll have some information on how things stand. Either way, whether the results of this test are positive or negative, I anticipate changing a lot of things in my life. In those dark and embarrassinly melodramatic moments late at night when I'm imagining the worst possible things happening to my body and my health, I do the same kind of appraisal of my life that everyone probably does. I ask myself if I'm happy. If I had any regrets. If I'd do anything differently. If I'm proud of what I've accomplished. That kind of thing. And as much as I have enjoyed making art and photographs and even making comics, those aren't the first things that come to mind. They're not even necessarily things I might miss. But spending time with my wife is. If I were to get very ill, I don't think for a minute that I would look back at my life and wish that I had spent more time on issue #5 of "Spudd 64" or more time in the darkroom or more time at a small press comics show. I would wish that I had spent much more time with my wife, and even a little more time with my friends and family.
I can't think much more beyond all of that right now. For the time being, I just need to concentrate on living like normal for the next week and a half, preparing for this test, and thinking positively. Wish me luck, and I'll let you know how it all turns out on the 22nd.
Matt K.